Confessions of a grieving dog mom- part 3

 

Three days after Chevy came home with us I got scared.  While everything felt right and I knew we made the right decision getting him, I was afraid of the commitment I'd made to Chevy and if I could mentally and emotionally follow through after losing the 24 Paws..  Taking Chevy in was such a big step for both me and Chevy.  I didn't know what happen to him or why he was at the shelter, except it involved humans.  I was afraid of letting him down.  I'd fallen in love with him from day one, but was afraid of being able to love him for him.  He was the exact same color as Zappa, which I hadn't really noticed when we first saw him and on that third day it scared me.  Then I noticed his eyes.  Chevy is bi-eyed.  His left eye is a caramel color,  matching his fur and was the same color as Brut's left eye was.  It was Chevy's right eye that messed me up.  It is a dark, dark brown.  You can hardly see the pupil it is so dark.  It looked just like Brut's right eye when it filled with blood and was the first sign of what we would eventually discover to be a tumor on his liver.  Looking at Chevy eyes was a huge trigger of Brut and freaked me out.  So, on that fourth day, I laid down with him on his bed and cried.  For him, for me, and the uncertain life we were taking together. 

And as the tears flowed, after a while Chevy started to get up.  He seemed scared. He moved away from me. That's when it dawned on me that probably the last person who cried over him let him go.  I stopped crying and told him, we were in it with him forever.  And ever.  And ever.  And ever. 

Things went fast and slow with our healing.  He was such a fantastic dog who was happy most of the time.  He made it easy.  Every afternoon we would go outside and sit out in the shade and have some decompression time.  Sometimes I would pet him or talk quietly to him about what he'd been through, or I would tell him what a miracle he was to us.  Sometimes we would sit in absolute silence, with just the breeze blowing around us.  Those moments we had together were the glue that held us together.  We connected deeper and deeper each time.  I literally watched him settle into his skin a little more during these times.  That time period was precious.

Chevy's six month Gothcha Day will be this Saturday, December 21.  Right on the Winter Solstice.  I've come to embrace his Zappa coloring, which didn't take long.  I still struggle a little with Chevy's eyes.  I find myself looking at the lighter one more, but at least it isn't as painful to look into both of them.  And as for my fear of being able to love him, Chevy took care of that just being his gentle loving self.  We have been so blessed with Chevy and I can't say it enough.  He is the most amazing dog.  It was so easy to fall in love with him and love him forever.  ♥            

Everything is better with a Chevy

24 Paws of Love Angels watching over Chevy

Sitting on the couch with my boy.  Still utterly amazed by him.  This canine by my side.  Even after five months of being here, Chevy still surprises me every day by how much love he has in him.  

Chevy and the 24 Paws of Love

When I lost the 24 Paws, I could not fathom a dog that could match them.  Yet, here we are with Chevy doing just that.  The 24 Paws are physically gone, but they are still here in spirit.  And they are in Chevy, but he is his own dog.  It is weird.  I'm constantly doing a mental double take. Chevy has smoothed all the rough edges of that loss and made me fall in love with dogs again.  

This boy is the most loveable dog we have ever had and that I have ever met.  Chevy loves to snuggle and is always open to attention and affection.  He loves everyone he meets and everyone he meets loves him, including his four doggie girlfriends.  He wants to do a meet-and-greet with all people and dogs he comes across.  Which is one of our challenges when out and about with him, not being pulled towards potential "new friends."  lol  He has such a hard time controlling himself, but we are working on it.

   

His training is coming along great!  We are working on a solid "stay" and "come."  10 to 15 minutes is all he needs for training until he's rolling on the grass or grabbing a stick to let me know he's done. lol

Chevy is just such a good dog overall.  I still find myself in disbelief at just how good of a dog he is.  We have been more than blessed with him.  ♥

Chevy: 3 month Gotcha Day

Those wrinkles!

It has been 3 months since we picked up Chevy from the Humane Society and he is coming along just fine.  He was a pretty confident dog when we got him and yes, looking back he had some anxiety, but that little bit is melting away day by day.  I have literally felt him back in his skin.  Which is wonderful. 

We discovered he was a therapy/support dog.  Which explains a lot of his mannerisms and behaviors.  Like why he feels so secure with himself and other people. Including dogs, cats and kids.  What a blessing he has been to introduce him to our doggie friends, take him to the vet and out in public.  He loves everybody!  In fact, I have to pull him away from greeting every single person he sees.  lol

We did a DNA test on Chevy and found out he is 100% Labrador Retriever.  A friend of ours thought he might be an English Lab.  When I looked up the breed, Chevy fit the criteria.  His Yellowish-red coat was what threw us off and we wondered if he was a mix.  I can't explain the genetics, but turns out he is considered a Yellow Lab, even with his reddish coat. 

Nothing like a dog with a stick

I introduced the "find it" game to Chevy and he loves it.  You should have seen the first treat he found on his own, his eyes lit up.  It has been fun doing nose work with Chevy, especially since Labs are sight dogs.  He is getting lots of practice.  I just started elevating the treats, on chairs or tables, and he picked up on that quickly. 

Chevy is as sweet and loveable as the first day we picked him up.  It is amazing what love of a dog can do for you.  I wouldn't have traded our time without a dog, I needed that time, and now it is time for Chevy.  ♥ 

   

Feeding Chevy

 

We've discovered that Chevy is an avid grass eater.  His first week of being with us, he threw up a huge wad of grass one morning.  So, I gave him some chicken and rice for his tummy and that started us down the road of home cooked meals.  It is something I have wanted to do with the 24 Paws, but just couldn't with 6 dogs.  Not to mention being scared to do it, with my lack of nutritional education.  I always preferred to let the dog food companies do the work for me, but as it was Chevy wasn't taking so well to his kibble as it was.   He ate it, but wasn't too thrill about eating it.  I know he was new here and he had been though so many changes that made him nervous that I didn't want food to be one of them.  So I bought some recipe books and we took the plunge into home cooked dog food.  

The first thing I noticed, like immediately, was his grass consumption went down considerably.  I'd like to say he stopped altogether, but I think Chevy's grass eating is a habit he won't quit.  So cutting down was huge!  Sometimes after he eats, he bypasses it all together.  So that was a definite plus of fixing his food.  

The second thing I noticed was the horrible gas he had dissipated.  I mean it was awful and went down to almost no smell.  That was awesome!

After that I noticed the Chevy didn't have that "doggy smell."  He had a bath a couple weeks after we got him and I thought it was going to be a regular thing, but honestly, he doesn't need one except to maybe rinse the dirt off of him.  Another bonus!

And the most recent thing I've notice after feeding him cooked food for the last 9 weeks, is that his fur is silky smooth and so healthy.  I am loving it!  

I still feed Chevy kibble sometimes, but it is an add-in and not the main meal.  I cook almost everything in my Instant Pot pressure cooker.  I am learning as I go and I am enjoy making his food.  I know exactly what he is eating and how much.  There is something really comforting in knowing that.  

I know there are all kinds of controversies on what to feed our dogs, all I know is that homecooked is working for Chevy and me.   

It's a Different Kind of Grief

 

I cried the night before we got Chevy.  Boxer laid on my chest as the tears fell.  Everything was going to change with a new dog coming home.  A chapter of my life was over and a new one was to begin.  There was a feeling of betrayal and of letting go.  There was a sense of loss and fear, but what I didn't anticipate was there was closure.  Closure to the grief and pain I'd been experiencing with the loss of the 24 Paws and extensively the last three years after Chance, Blaze, Fiona and Zappa died.  That surprised me.  And relieved me.  In ways I didn't expect that was healing.  After going a year and a half without a dog, there was no doubt that the 24 Paws brought Chevy into our lives and this relief is proof.  I will always be sad and I'll never stop missing the 24 Paws, but the deep pain of loss has been dissipated with Chevy. 

You may remember the evenings are the toughest part of the day for me after losing the 24 Paws.  It still is, yet it isn't as intense.  Now it is surreal with Chevy here.  Especially at bedtime.  I have my pillows of the 24 Paws that I hug and say good night to and Chevy is there as well.  I'm not really sure how to describe it.  There is loss and life in the same room.  The only word that fits is surreal.  Like having a open door to the past and the future at the same time.  It is a very strange feeling.  I don't know if it will go away or not, but it is there for now.  

It also feels natural, having a dog around.  It was so easy to slip into a routine, the feeding, walking, and caring for like I've been doing all my life.  It is like the rhythm of the heartbeat.  The ebb and flow.  The ups and downs.  And unlimited unconditional love.  All in harmony with the 24 Paws of Love.  Their spirits alive and well.  They taught me so much and I feel their pawprints on my heart when I'm with Chevy.  It is such a beautiful feeling of wholeness and completeness.  

And then there is reality.  I'm still in shock that there is a dog in the house after so long without one.  It still blows my mind that Chevy is here.  At the same time it is like that time period of being dog-less didn't even happen.  I can hardly remember it.  ☺

          

     

The Escapades of Chance's Roses

Chance's rose:  the Dark Night

And then there is our sad story of Chance's roses...you might remember that we order Chance's rose, the first year he was gone but it was past the cut off date for spring delivery and we wouldn't get it until fall.  So, Chance went with no rose that first year.  I did receive the plant and planted it in late September, crossing finger and toes that it would survive the winter.  It did get a couple of tiny leaves on it late spring, but alas Mother Nature was harsher than it could handle and it died.  The plant was under warranty, and they would send a replacement, but of course when I called this all happened after the season's delivery schedule and again I won't get it until fall.  SIGH!  We went through the entire scenario with the second rose, planting in the fall and dying in the spring.  

During that second year, I did buy a couple of other roses, so Chance could have something on his grave, but I didn't really care for them.  I kept thinking about the Dark Night rose we were having such a hard time getting.  There was just something special about this rose and we wanted it.  

I've never bought roses online, but you learn a few things after trial and error.  Like, they can be sold out before January for the coming year.  Or that there is no summer delivery, only spring and fall.  So last year I started in December to find this Dark Night rose for our boy, whom had been rose-less for far too long.  I found Heirloom Roses, who not only had the famous rose, but you could pick your day of delivery! So, I ordered this awesome rose and had it sent in mid-May, just in time for the beginning of our growing season.  

 It has been a long three years without a rose for Chance, much too long.  So glad I finally found it.  Feeling so blessed.  ♥

   

Confessions of a grieving dog mom: Part 2

Chance, Blaze and Fiona were my water guzzlers.  Especially Chance.  He could empty a bowl in no time.  I was constantly filling the bowl.  After the three passed, I struggled to give Zappa fresh water.  He never went without it, it just wasn't fresh.   I just couldn't seem to get past the fact that the bowl was always full,   Sometimes I would stand and stare at the full bowl, paralyzed.  I knew I should empty and fill it, but I couldn't.  So I would just walk away. It got so bad that eventually Mark had to step in and start giving Zappa fresh water.  

Now we have Chevy and I have to remember all over again about supplying water.  Don't worry, Chevy is equipped for the task.  He lets me know daily that he needs fresh water to drink by walking to his bowl, smelling it and turning away.  He likes his water really fresh.  I was worried that I would do a Zappa repeat, but Chevy nipped that right in the bud.  

So cool how that worked out.  

If you would have told me...

If you told me that I would be looking at the shelter's website with Brut whispering in my ear to think outside the box and that maybe an older dog would be better with the cats, I wouldn't have believed it.  As I had already looked at the selection of dogs and closed my laptop once, thinking getting a dog was never going to happen.  

And if you'd told me that when Mark said ," Let's go tomorrow and get him," then overslept that morning that it was another sign that it wasn't meant to be.  In spite of the message I got from Brut and Silver early that morning when both of their solar lights on their graves were still dimly lit in the morning dawn, I wouldn't have believed it.  

If you would have told me that a week ago today I would have a 10 year old Lab/Hound mix dog that I picked off the Humane Society laying on the floor next to me, I would have told you, you're crazy!  Or if you'd told me that when we went to the shelter after seeing said picture of dog only to find out they were closed, a friend whom used to work at our vet's office was working there, saw us and came out to see us.  When we told her we wanted Chevy, her eyes lit up as she had known Chevy for a while and even though they were closed, we met Chevy, and she made the deal happen. 

And if I told you that Chevy was great with the cats and the cats are warming up to him, it is almost surreal to believe.  When we took Chevy home, he walked right up to the door, ready to go inside.  And if I told you that it feels like he has been here all along, I would tell you that Chevy filled this dog mom's heart in every way possible.  ♥ 

Meet Chevy!

Meet Chevy and those huge paws!

The most awesome thing happened...we got a dog!  

Chevy is a rescue from our local Humane Society.   He is a 10 years old Yellow Lab, although we think there may be some hound in there.  He is in fantastic shape, very strong for his age and quite active. 

He is a very happy dog and a definite velcro  dog.  He took to Mark right away and slept with him on his first night here.  Chevy is loving, affectionate and a cuddle bug.  

The cats were my biggest worry with getting a dog.  And while the cats had the shock of their lives when a dog walked in, but Chevy paid little attention to them. 

I don't know any background on him, but he has beautiful manners. Doesn't beg, just sits quietly and waits patiently.  He knows all the basic commands, comes when called and is a dream come true.

He has the same color fur as Zappa.  Has Fiona's friendliness.  He is nurturing like Silver.  Loyalty of Brut.  Silliness of Chance and the spunk of Blaze.  Oh, he loves veggies!  

Chevy is the perfect match for us and a blessing in so many ways.  When we met him, it just all came together.  I'll tell you about that story another time.

Chevy is a total Godsend and we couldn't be happier! 

Silver's Yucca plant

You know that all the 24 Paws have their own roses on their graves.  They also have their own inside houseplants.  

Today I'm going to share Silver's Yucca plant:

. 

There's a little back story to this plant and how it became Silver's:

Two years before getting Silver (2001), Mark bought me 7 houseplants for Christmas.  We'd had a few plants around the house, but his presents got me hooked on the hobby.  

So in order to care for all these different plants, I found a house plant encyclopedia that covered a variety of plants.  One of the first plants I saw in the book was a Yucca and wanted it.  I thought it was so cool, but for some reason I never thought about buying one.  Strange?

Silver died in 2017 and that summer after her death, I found myself in the garden section, staring at a Yucca plant.  In all my years of plant shopping, I had completely forgotten that I wanted one, until now.  That's when I knew I had to get it for Silver.  It was so weird how that plant slipped my mind for so long, until I saw it.  Sitting there, ready to go home with me.  

 

Not Quite Ready

 I was online with our local Humane Society.  Just looking at dogs and possibilities.  When I saw a red Hound mix that was adorable.  I have always had a thing for hounds.  Anyways, I thought he might be the one.  He was suppose to be good with dogs and cats, which was a plus.  I printed an application.  And thought about this dog all day.  I went from the highs of getting a dog to fear of a lifetime commitment.  I made a list of pros and cons.  There it was in black and white, I wasn't ready and the timing wasn't right.  My mood plummeted.  My day felt shattered.  

I am struggling to accept where I'm at with getting another dog.  I am not ready and it isn't the right time.  And that just about kills me.  I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of a tunnel, looking out both ways, yet I can not move forward or backward.

Hubby, Mark and I have even talked about getting ducks to start, but that conversation faded as quickly as it started.  

Neither of us are ready.  Losing the 24 Paws made an impact on both of us.  And now we are here, with two cats and a very busy schedule.  It is a very tight circle, the four of us, that I have been fighting against.  

My whole world has been dogs.  I keep trying to make it happen.  I'm keep pushing.  But I keep finding I'm not ready.  No matter what I do, it isn't time.  It is just that plain and simple, in all forms and ways.  Sometimes I fear that I will never be ready and that scares the crap out of me.  

While at the same time, I told Mark after Zappa died that if I never had another dog, I would have not been cheated with the 24 Paws.  Maybe God will hold me to that, I don't know.  The 24 Paws is a powerful love and I'm not ready to break that bond.     

The white dog-Fiona

There were four white puppies from Brut and Silver's litter.  They were a "surprise" to us when they were born.  We would have never guessed to have any white puppies, being that Brut was a sable color Husky and Silver was black Lab.  There were three boys and one girl.  They were kind of ugly when they were born with their pink skin showing and their thin, wet white fur almost translucent. They were quite a shock to us. We discovered later that Brut's grandma was an all white Husky and the color came from her.  

I had planned on keeping a black and white one from said litter named, Angel, but when the pups were three days old, I changed my mind.  I watched the white female, the runt of the litter, kicking ass to get to mom's teat.  She put her whole heart into it and I had to keep her.  There was just something about the way she fought that day to keep up with her brothers and sisters, that I couldn't let her go.  We named her Fiona.  

Fiona was the most affectionate of the 24 Paws.  She gave plenty of kisses and took lots of love in return.  She was also the jester of the bunch doing anything to make us laugh.  She had a full time job with me and my depression.  She earned her keep.  

Fiona was the sh*t roller of the 24 Paws.  Of course, being a white dog, she loved to roll in anything stinky.  I remember one time on a walk we were taking, just the two of us, she put her jester and rolling skills together.  She must have rolled in this deer poop for about ten or fifteen times.  She'd roll then stand up and do it again.  I was laughing so hard with each roll that she just kept doing it.  It was hilarious and so much fun.  

Fiona had a wicked side as well.  She ignored dogs on walks or at the vet, but had it out for Chance and Blaze.  Fiona was one of the reasons we couldn't blend the two packs.  She was the instigator the few times the door between the two packs wasn't latched. And while Fiona and Zappa never fought, she would show her teeth to him sometimes when she was possessing something like the couch.  

On the flip side, Fiona was my girly girl.  She was feminine, but very strong emotionally and mentally.  She was everything I could've wanted in a female dog.  And she was so beautiful.  Fiona got compliments all the time on her beauty.     

Three years ago today, I lost that precious love.  It is good to write down the memories as they begin to float to the surface.  My sweet girl, gone too soon.  ♥

Chance and Blaze's digging holes

 These are the five holes that Chance and Blaze dug that are still in the front yard.  Three years since their passing and the holes haven't filled in yet. I planted the flowers in them a couple of years ago.  They came up early this year with the early spring weather.  🥰  

The flowers bring up good memories. Chance and Blaze were crazy diggers.  Chance would dig deep enough and wide enough to fit his entire body in a hole, with just his head sticking out.  lol

The joys of letting them dig in the yard and having something they left behind.  

My Bedtime Buddies

The last stuffies of: (l to r) Blaze, Chance, Fiona and Zappa

 

These are my bedtime buddies.  Each stuffie is one of the last toys that the four pups, Blaze, Chance, Fiona and Zappa played with before they died.  

So I hold them in just that order across my chest and fall asleep with them in my arms.  They bring me comfort.

For a long time I couldn't sleep without them in that position.  These stuffies did a great deal to help with my grief.  I talked to them like they were the dogs.  

While now it's not necessary to sleep with them every night, I still do occasionally, they are always on the bed next to me.  They still bring me comfort, just by being there. 

Do you have a favorite doggie stuffie?

 

Confessions of a grieving dog mom

 I haven't been able to eat raw vegetables since Chance, Blaze and Fiona died three years ago.  All the dogs liked vegetables but Chance and Blaze were my ultimate veggie dogs, being that they were the kitchen dogs. We especially like sharing them at lunch time and snack time.  I lost my desire and taste for veggies after losing the dogs.  I couldn't fathom even eating a tomato or a cucumber (my favs) because the grief was unbearable.  

 I haven't had a vegetable garden since they died either. I use to grow tomatoes, green peppers, cucumbers, (the three staples) along with carrots, broccoli, lima beans, hot peppers, and green beans,  Chance and Blaze used to do a dance when I would gather up food from the garden waiting to get their bite of fresh veggies.  They were always so happy, it made the garden chores worth it.  

For Chance and Blaze I would grow climbing green beans on the fence where they could reach them, so they always had a fresh supply.  The beans that were at the top of the fence, I would pick and take turns feeding them to Chance and Blaze.  They made everything about eating vegetables so much fun.   

And now I have to find that fun for myself.  As you might imagine my health has been impacted by not eating enough vegetables and it is time to add  them back into my diet.   And while I needed a push, it hasn't been as hard as I thought it would.  I will always miss that special time with dogs, but now I think they are looking over me helping me get healthier and happier and I wouldn't have it any other way.  

Tribute to the Thundering Herd

 One of best things about blogging is getting to "know" the bloggers and their dogs.  You become attached and invested in both, but we all know it's about the dogs.  All these years, one has always stood out.

Hubby, Mark was hounding me to blog about the dogs, so I finally started investigating different dog blogs.  I looked at several blogs and couldn't really find one that interested me. That is until I stumbled upon The Thundering Herd,  and I was hook.  

It was everything I thought a dog blog should be and then some.  It gave me the inspiration I was searching for in a dog blog.  And best of all they had SIX Huskies, just like us.  All the more reason to try my hand at blogging.  

We went through all the ups and downs with The Thundering Herd and their crazy antics.  Most post were humorous in nature, but there was always that one sad one that we could all relate to....the loss of a dog.  

Which brings me to today, while the original Herd members are all gone, they have four dogs that are part of the new Herd.  Sadly, they recently lost one of the four,  Typhoon, the Little Prince.  And I find myself mourning their loss and mine.  See, they are more than just dogs on a computer screen, the dog's lives were painted alive right in my home as shown through D.K.Wall's eyes.  We could've been neighbors it felt that close.  

So give your dog a hug for five seconds longer and those belly rubs he's begging for today..  Share a few extra treats.  Take walk you've been saving for a special day.  Tell them how much you love them.  And if you know The Thundering Herd, share some love with them too..

Blaze gone 3 years today

I laid down as the tears flowed   

Hitting almost as hard as when she passed.  

The cats planted themselves on my chest 

As I wept for my girl.

Miss you so much.

Testing...testing...1,2,3

 Had to make some changes to our email subscriptions.  They were technical changes that do not effect any of our subscribers, so no worries.  And since I'm not very technical it took me a while to figure it out.  But it is all fixed and ready to go.   So hopefully every one of our subscribers is receiving this post.

Because of the delay, I missed posting about Zappa's year anniversary.  It is so hard to believe that a year ago he was here and that he actually been gone that long.  It still hits me, just like that, out of the blue sometimes.  In the evenings for some reason, his loss really gets to me, as well as the rest of the 24 Paws.  During the day I'm basically OK, but when the sun starts to set, I feel that emptiness and loss every evening.  Not really sure why, but I do.

Boxer, our cat is doing well for having cancer.  He was given 3 months to live last July, but no one told him that.  lol  It has been eight months since he was diagnosed and he is still here.  There have been no changes that I can see and he is acting fine.  In fact, he is starting to get really needy, wanting to be close to me all the time.  He's starting to drive me crazy.  lol  Boxer has always been like that, but he's been a little worse than normal.  Not sure what that means, but we are taking it day by day with him.  

Princess Leia, the Siamese, is also doing fine.  The food and supplements she takes for her kidney disease are doing a great job at keeping it under control.  She is very healthy for a 17 1/2 year old.  

Well, that's about the latest.  I hope I will be able to post more now that the emails are fixed.  

Thank you for staying with us.

Take care,

Patty ♥

Silver Love

She taught me how to be a dog mom, while showing what a loving mother was.  

To me and the pups.

It was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life, learning to be loved by a mother dog.  I was able to share this life with Silver and witness her motherhood for eight years.  

She was the glue that held the family of the 24 Paws together.  When she died the whole family fell apart.  The pups and us were never quite the same again.

She never asked for anything and would stand back while her pups demanded attention from me.  

She had a couple of encounters with her pup, Chance whom she gave kisses to while they were together.  

She was strong, independent and stubborn as all hell, but had a gentle and loving spirit.  

She nurtured my soul, knowing before I knew what I needed.  She was sensitive and intuitive that way.

She was our first puppy and I made every mistake possible with her.  Yet, she was so forgiving.

I can't believe it has been seven years today that she disappeared from our lives.  The 24 Paws was started because of Silver and ended with hole in my heart forever.