Broken heart

 I'm really scared about getting my heart broken again.  Losing three dogs almost at the same time was horrifying and devastating and I don't know that I can go through that again with another dog(s).  

Sometimes I feel like Zappa will be the last one...ever.  And there are other times I want another dog, but I can't see any past Zappa.  I think it's because we had a pack, with a mom, a dad and kids and it is so hard to explain the feelings of losing a family of dogs.  From picking out Silver, then Brut, the conception, the pregnancy, the births to watching the litter grow at an alarming rate.  To saying good-bye and then saying hello again with Chance and Blaze.  I have no idea why, but having Chance and Blaze come back made our pack complete.  Yeah, these were special dogs.  We chose and planned this litter for a long time and now Zappa is the only one left. He deserves all the attention he can get.  He deserves everything he can get.  

I haven't ended up in the funny farm yet over the last three deaths, but when Zappa's time comes...I don't know that I can guarantee that.  

If it wasn't for the cats, I would have lost my sanity.  Right now they are the only ones that are keeping me together.  I know I don't talk much about them, after all it is a dog blog, but if it wasn't for them I wouldn't have much to hold on to.  They too are older seniors and time is flying by.  I'll tell you more about them in another post.  I am so grateful for them.  They are my beacons.  

My heart was shattered is several different ways and pieces losing three dogs so close together.  I don't know how to come back from that kind of fracture.  Every day I think about Chance, Blaze and Fiona.  And every day a sliver of my heart starts the healing process.  But I still don't know if I could do it again.  I'm really not sure...right now it hurts too much.