Discombobulated

This was written at the beginning of February,2022.  I never got around to sharing it. This is just some of things Mark and I have been going through with Zappa. 

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We have been doing it since the first night Blaze came back.  Every night with only a few exceptions, for 13 years, hubby and I have been taking turns sleeping with the two packs.  Each night switching pillows and blankets between the two sleeping quarters.  Mark would sleep with one side while I was sleeping on the other and then the next night we would rotate.  

When Blaze came back, it was a difficult time all around, especially for her.  There was no way we were leaving her alone that first night and so I took first shift on the bathroom floor with my little girl.  With nothing more than layered blankets on a plywood floor and a silent prayer we began what would become a lifestyle that changed the course of our lives.  

We continued this pattern even after Chance, Blaze and Fiona died.  At first it was hard sleeping with the Front pack all alone, but over time it became healing and welcomed.  

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For the last couple of months my sleeping time with Zappa have been very stressful.  He was constantly waking me up and getting me up and down out of bed.  Eventually, I slept in the living room.  The beginning of the broken trust.  That went on fine for a couple of months, until he started again, waking me up and keeping me up.  Not good for either of us.  Finally after days of little to no sleep, we made the difficult decision for Mark to sleep with Zappa on a regular basis, while I took to the Front Dogs.  

The decision was good.  I was finally able to catch up on my sleep as my mental health had been wavering due so many sleepless nights.  

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It's been almost a week since sleeping "with" Chance and Blaze.  And I'm having a harder and harder time sleeping.  The decision for permanent sleeping arrangements, solidifies the big change that happened almost a year ago and I don't know where to sleep anymore.  I slept with the cats last night.  I'm in my chair at the moment.  I don't know where to rest my head.  I'm so discombobulated.   It is more than just a routine, it was our lives.  It was our dogs.  It was everything.  And it is over.  It is over.

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It has been a good month since changing our sleeping arrangements and things are finally settling down.  I am sleeping in Chance's and Blaze's bed and sleeping through the night without shifting places.  I feel grounded now and while it is still difficult sleeping alone, there is some peace.  

Now and Forever, Blaze

 Where has the time gone?  How did almost a year sneak under our belt?  Today, Valentine's Day marks Blaze's 11 months since she left us.  How have we managed, how have we lived without her for 11 months?  Seems like she was just here yesterday.  It doesn't seem fair or right, yet here we are.  

It wasn't so long ago that I was giving her kisses on her forehead.  Her favorite.  She used to visit me in the bathroom just for them.  

Or how giddy she would get trying to sit long enough for a treat with her wing-tipped ears wiggling with excitement.  

Two of my favorite memories of Blaze.  This is how I picture her.  Coming to get kisses and those floppy ears.  That's how I remember her.  

That's how I will always remember her.  

Now and Forever, Blaze.

Chance Wednesday

I was completely stressed out.  Mark had to shower for an appt. and left me on Skype with the cell phone company with a phone I know nothing about and a foreign voice that was breaking up.  If that wasn't bad enough Zappa started a barking raucous that could have woke the dead.  And calling from the computer, I was attached and couldn't move.  All this before I'd had a chance to get dressed.  Then the wood furnace blower shut off, that cat starting crying and my anxiety was through the roof.  

After the whole ordeal ended and I was finally able to sit down and try to relax, I said a small prayer of help, and held my head in my hands.  

Next thing I know Stone Temple Pilot's song, "Plush," came on and I started to giggle.  Then I was laughing.  It was Chance's day and he had ordered this one song, my favorite.  I could feel his head in my lap as the laughter turned to tears.  Oh how I miss my spiritual healer.  He understood me so well.  Which is why he was here today.  God knew exactly what and who I needed to help me through this stress spot.  

My day was so much better after connecting with Chance.  We still need each other.  It is not over....they are still here. ♥