Today marks 11 months since we buried Brut. I wish I could say it has gotten easier, but there are days when the tears are so fresh, it is like losing him all over again. The last two days the weather has finally broke (hopefully for good) and I was sitting outside on my little bench in the same place Brut laid every day for those last couple of months. I said 'Good Morning' to God, then to Brut and I cried unexpectedly.
There is still a huge void where Brut once was. I do believe his spirit is alive and well and I talk to him all the time. It's a new adventure for our relationship, except I miss being able to ruffle his fur and look deep into his eyes. I miss laying next to him on the bed looking out the window where only he could calm that inner tremor in me.
I miss Brut patrolling the yard and noticed that even after only a couple of months of him being gone, his paths have been growing over and now are almost gone. Brut trodden those paths religiously keeping all evil out. He was such a great protector of his family.
Zappa is feeling the hurt as well. I make a poor subsitute for Brut as a squirrel chaser. Those two would race around the sheds and try to flush out the chipmunks and squirrels and it took a lot for them to give up. God, how I miss watching them two play together.
There have been more than a few times that depending the angle or my perspective or lighting when Zappa will look like Brut. It only happens for a split second or two making my heart skip a beat.
And I can't believe I've lived almost a whole year without my Bruter Boy. I never thought I could live without him in my life connected to my mind and soul. Thank goodness for the unconditional love of a dog. We will always together in spirit.
For all of you who have lost a dog a heartfelt hug goes out to you.
4 comments:
I hope it gets better with time for all of us. <3
So glad we have the blog posts and pictures to help capture the memories.
Eleven months...seems so unbelievable doesn't it? In one way, like it was just yesterday, yet, so long - too long - since petting, hugging, and being one with our boys. I so feel your hurt in my heart. I so understand. Gibson is gone for five months...and there is still a deep hurt, a deep missing. While days roll into weeks, and incredibly into months, it is a wonder that time does not understand our pain, it just keeps right on moving, but I suppose there is healing in that as well. I so miss Gibson every day, every where. I see him in all his familiar places, the pride in his face when he rehabbed...his silliness, his deep understanding... While the other pups keep us busy and fill us with love, it's just not the same. It's a new norm. One I fear we both will be trying to adjust to for a long time to come. I smiled when I read how you greet God and Brut...every night I say good night to God, my Mom, Dad, all the pups here, and Gibson. My heart aches for you as well, and you are so right...this is the place where our love for our dogs is shared. A safe space to journal our love, our fond memories, our joys, our sadness, and our new journey without our beloved boys by our side, although always with us in spirit. Sending heartfelt hugs your way...
I so understand. you will never be the same. You will never "recover." This change is as forever as learning to walk after losing a leg or smiling at sunset after becoming blind. It is the new way things are. It becomes you. The question truly is how do we move from being so altered to continuing the process of a thriving life. There is no clear answer. I hope you find a way.
I am so very sorry for your lost. I just discovered your blog today and find it interesting that this is the post I land on thanks to BlogLovin'.
It's been 2-1/2 years since we lost Blue. Although I rarely cry, the loss is still there. I miss him every day. He was one special dog. I speak to him daily too.
I've asked God for two things and He's responded: I wanted Blue's spirit back in our home, we got that with our littermates Scout and Zoey. They are individuals, but they remind me of Blue all the time.
I also asked to be able to dream vividly about Blue. A couple weeks ago, I had a dream that I was out in the yard with my boyfriend and our dogs. He looked up and say "hey, that's Blue." Blue raced towards me and leaped into my arms and I held him for what felt like hours. During that dream, I could feel his coat, smell his scent, and feel his kisses.
You're right. Only dog lovers truly understand this loss.
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