Brut, save me from the Boogie Man

It's the change of season.  And even though the weather has been warm, the skies have been sunny and the trees are still very green, it doesn't change the fact it is fall. It just draws it out.  I do alright through the day missing Brut.  It is as constant as my heart beat but it is when the night falls earlier and earlier each evening this is when it gets more difficult because my anxiety kicks in when I realize I don't have my protector by my side.  My Big Brut Boy and all his protective toughness is gone with him.  He helped to keep me solid that way.  I'd never want to see what Brut would've done to protect me, but I was always glad I could count on him if an event ever presented itself.

Brut was so strong and confident, completely self-assured, if not a little cocky.  There was nothing better than feeling carried by him on our walks.  Total control and domination.  It was like being clutched in big bear hug for life.  24/7.  He just wouldn't let go.  And I miss that terribly about his presence.  That bigger-than-life-awe-studded-presence.  And I miss the security of him being here.  My anxieties notice the difference too.  Brut used to keep me safe from all the boogie men that are out there and it just isn't the same without him here.

I don't know quite how to describe how it feels without him here protecting me. And that's not to discount the rest of the pack, they are great protectors, but there was something about Brut that you could cling to and feel like he could take on the world if needed.  It was one of the most debilitating things about his decline, he seemed indestructable.  I still can't get my head around how his being was so infalable and yet he died anyways.  It all happened so quickly and then it was over.  It stills blows my mind.

Take care my friends,
From our paws to yours,

Patty and 24 Paws of Love

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Black and White Sundays...in Spirit

90 Day Anniversary by Mark

It seems like it was only Yesterday
You were sitting here next to me
Having my morning coffee
Getting my Brut Charging
Helping me get through another day
In this life that has so much Inhumanity
90 Days since away have you gone
Everything just feels so awful wrong
You were the one that I would go to
You were the one that I would talk to
You were the one that I would walk with
You were the one who believed in me
As I always believed in you
Oh Brut how I miss you so
I don't think I will ever let you go
So with each and every night
With my Memories of you clear in sight
I go to the place that I laid your body to rest
I sing my Twrinkle Twrinkle Little Star
And My Rock a Bye Baby to you
Like I have done from the very first day(you came my way)
I want you to know that I love You
I will never forget the Times
That we both did share together
Brut You were my Hero
You are forever my best Friend
Thank You My Bruter Boy
For Always Being You
Goodnight My Friend Forever

Something a Little Sweeter

Thank you all for bearing with us as we process and grieve Brut's death.  While still challenging and emotional, we appreciate your ear when I know it hard to listen about pain most of you have experienced before and I just want to thank you for bending yours.

So I thought I would share a beautiful love story in the making.

Zappa has always been Mark's dog from the minute he was born, Mark took care of the necessities to help bring Zappa in this world when Momma Silver didn't take right to him.  They have been tight ever since.

I had Brut and he was my dog.  It seemed equal enough.

Over time Zappa and I slowly began to get to know each other.  We really took our time.  And about that same time Mark was bonding more with Brut and having their one-on-one time.

Well after Brut died, I notice Zappa and I started to gravitate towards each other.  Next I know he was taking me under his paw.

I taught Zappa to sit and lay down with just my eyes for a treat.  Eventually he learned to do it without any inquiry from me to get his goody.  He sits down, then scoots his butt back until he's laying on the floor and then swing his legs to the side.  All the while giving me gentle paws to make sure he gets his reward.

Well yesterday he was laying down as I sat in my chair and was pawing at my leg to get my attention, but it was more like he was pulling down on my jeans. His eyes seem to be saying, "Come down here with me," like he was trying to get me to come down on the floor with him.

So I did.

Zappa rolled right into my torso and I held him.

And we stayed like that for some time.

Which is odd for Zappa because he doesn't like to be held very long nor does he lay down for very long.

But that day, he did.

For me.

For us.

For Brut.

For love.

Doesn't that just melt your heart?  

Down In A Hole

I don't know if anyone can understand this, but I'll try to explain...

I was going to capture a moment when one of my favorite Alice in Chains' song came on the radio.  But I couldn't.  The timing of the song was perfect for how I was feeling at that moment.  I couldn't stop eating my chicken dinner, in fact I ate faster, shaking as I felt on the brink of my body going into emotional spasms. I couldn't stop the song.  I couldn't stop anything.  I felt like I was fighting for my life.  That song used to explain how I felt all of the time.  Digging deeper into that hole of depression where I have been for far too many years in my life.  But now...hearing it now when we are counting our lives by the days, weeks and months that Brut has been gone...there I was again.  In that spot, in another context of my life holding my wilting soul hurting like I didn't think could be done.

And then the song was over.  And I wanted to capture it on paper, but I couldn't.  Minutes went by, I couldn't bring it all together in my head.  I listen to the song on YouTube and the moment was over.  It was that connection of eating dinner, the song, the sun setting too early, the rainy day we had, and the unofficial end of summer yesterday that made it all come together.  In a few weeks it will 90 days that my boy has been gone.  One full season that I missed of my Brut and his love.  I know, I know his spirit is all around me.  That still doesn't make up for what was taken from me.

These lyrics say it all...