A much needed repreive

Losing Brut has been one of the hardest parts of our life that I have gone through and I'm exhausted with emotions, numbness and depression.  So  I've decided to take a blogging break for while.  

I don't know how long I'll be gone, so I will leave you with this:  A post I never posted about Brut long before we knew he was sick.  I still feel this way about him now.

It almost scares me how deep my love for Brut can be.  The trust, security and the devoted loyalty given at no cost.  How my core fears calm when I can curl up inside of him.  

Understanding and knowing each other inside and out.  And the whole world dissipates from looking into his eyes.  

I have always trusted dogs, but I don't think I've ever opened my soul to one so willingly and with such ease.  There is a comfortable that moves like my own body.  If I were a dog I would be Brut.  If Brut was a person he would be me.  That's how extreme we are.  We are almost interchangeable and yet each of us are so unique with our own personalities and differences.  Sometimes we can be the exact opposite of each other.  

Sounds like a marriage, doesn't it?

That is what it is like with my heart dog Brut.  

Take care of yourself my friends.

Life and walking the dogs.

I didn't want to walk the dogs.  It had been an emotional and tiring day and I was thinking of taking the night off.  It wasn't fair to them that they were laying around for me and crying over Brut.  They were hurting too.  The dogs needed a walk just as much as I did...so I gathered my courage and the leashes to walk the Back Dogs Trio, Silver, Zappa and Fiona.  Something I don't do too often, but tonight seemed like a perfect evening for it.

It didn't take long for our spirits to rise and get our hearts pumping.  I took a very safe dog-free route and there was something very cool about walking the trio around the block.  It was pretty awesome!  While they were quick walkers, they did really well altogether.  At one part of the walk, Fiona wanted to go her own way and take everyone with her, but we manage to negotiate and had a really great walk.

After my walk with the trio, I came home more than ready to take on the speedy Front Dogs. They are always a blast to walk!  And so much more disciplined than Fiona and Zappa.  We kicked ass around the block and it felt so good to be moving.  I mean really moving.  Since there is something about death that slows your whole world to a stop and then just lingers there.  I even got to run part of the stretch, something I haven't been able to do very much of due to joint issues.  It just felt fluid.  The cool wind in my hair.  The fresh air surrounding me and a nice break from the heat we had yesterday.  And running with my two favorite dogs, Chance and Blaze.  It had been a while since I'd felt life.

And as I sat outside, cooling down from our sweaty walk and feeling the satisfaction in the dogs, I felt the acceptance of my life as it was now, without Brut.  And I was OK with that.  In that moment all was in it's place and everything was in order.  And I felt peace.

And about the minute I realized my acceptance, I felt the plucking of sadness on my heart.  Not totally willing to give over.  For it was only hours ago that I crying over my boy and missing him so.

It was a wolf video, you may have seen on FB that reminded me and made me ache for Brut.  A person stands by themselves, a pack of wolves come running and I am fixated on the alpha male who licks their face like crazy.  I watched intently as he controls the pack with growls and looks even pinning the lower ranking wolves in submission.  He reminds me so much of Brut, but on a smaller scale.  Brut could just give a look and everyone would turn the other way.  The sounds!  I never thought I would miss those growls and snarls so much and the power that was thrown around for his own respect.  The video is awesome and beautiful.

Brut Runaway

I've been crying all day over Brut today.  I went to look for a collar for our cat Boxer to wear and get used to, when I came across two of Brut's baby canine teeth and cried.  Doing some simple tricks with the Back and Front Dogs and I broke into tears remembering how we all used to work together on sit, lay down, rollover.  Glancing directly into Chance's eye and seeing his dad in him made me tear up.  So many little things about Brut that are bringing on the water works.

When I feel this way, lost, confused and sad, Brut was my rock.  On days like this we would runaway into the woods.  Twisting and turning through the paths and making our own.  He would test my cross country skills, jumping logs and dodging branches, we made our way into our own universe.  Where I would learn to let go of myself and let Brut take charge and harness all the freedoms that came with him.  Like being swept away by the wind.  It was just magical the way our primal instincts took over.  There was nothing like it.  It was our play land and we ruled it.

Miss you Bruter boy.

Brut Possession

I never knew what a hold Brut had on this family until he was gone.  Or I should say, I didn't know how strong it was until he let go.  Brut was possessive by nature.  It was just part of his character and loyality that couldn't be matched.  For he held each one of us in his capture and returned it with his devotion to each and every person and dog in this home.  Brut was the mortar that held the bricks and was the foundation of everything we stand for, love.  Pure unconditional love.  While fierce at times, his passion ran deep and he never stopped loving us.  All of us.  With all the pleasure and pain that love brings with it.  He taught that for every rose, there is a stem of thorns to accompany it.  I may not know what tomorrow brings, but Brut's love does.  It is always and forever, burning deep in my mind and heart.

For you Bruter boy.
I love you.

(6/23/2015)

  MINE!

Prince Zappa

Each dog had a special relationship to Brut and that I would like to expand and memorize on in depth.  They are all grieving in their own way and it is beautiful and heartbreaking to watch them mourn their Daddy Dog Brut.  I am so grateful hubby, Mark and I don't have to go through this with just each other.  Instead we have an entire family of dogs to share in our pain and sadness while they share theirs with us.

I thought there would be a great upheaval in the pack's hierarchy when Brut died, especially with Zappa.  If anyone has pushed to be the new King all this time, it has been him.  He constantly was challenging Brut and crossing Brut's boundaries for what I thought would be his day of reckoning. And it didn't come.  Not even with Brut's death.  Then I thought Zappa would become unruly and obnoxious and plain out of control as he was when Brut was around. Yet after Brut died, the status has stayed the same.  Since it was Brut and I that ruled this kingdom together most of the time, maybe with Brut gone, Zappa accepted that I was still the leader and the only real beef he had was with Brut.  As a son has with his father and the clashes that come with those titles.  Maybe it was just a family affair between dogs and not so much wanting to be king.  Or maybe Zappa just tested his skills to prove himself to his dad that Zappa had what it took to be king too.  Or maybe it is the death and loss of his father that has taken that fight out of him.

If I had to guess, it is a combination of all of these as to why he has chosen to stay Prince Zappa.

And what a beautiful Prince he is.

  

Hubby says it best

Hubby's words say it best how we are feeling:

I am sitting in my truck taking a break, looking at my favorite picture of Brut that I keep in the truck. I knew when I woke up this morning what day it was.It was Thursday. Three weeks ago today we buried Daddy Dog Brut. God I can not believe he is gone. Yes, I know he is, but for three weeks now their is a part of me that is numb. I am having a hard time doing anything. I don't want to do anything but stay home with my family of dogs. Yes, i'm going to work, but I have to force myself to go.

WW-Daddy Dog's Spot

The Roses

We planted a reddish-hot pinkish rose bush in Brut's grave.  It spices up our little memorial garden as the other plants there have already bloomed.  Leave it to Brut to take center stage.  ☺

It was hubby's idea for the roses.  I hadn't a clue as to what to plant.  Roses fit much of Brut's characteristics.  Beautiful, fragrant and thorny.  A fitting flower for a King.

I bawled all day the day hubby picked up the roses, not knowing if I could go through putting the roses in his grave.  So final.  A completion.  But when the time came, I was OK.

We planted the rose bush on July 4, in the evening, about the time of Brut's burial.  It seemed fitting.

And the roses are beautiful.  Full of buds and as I said is the center of our memorial garden.  It adds so much color and vigor to an otherwise green background. The flowers are a loose petal rose that when they open the petals look like they are going every which way.  They are majestic as an opening bud and have a delicate sadness as the petals tend to weep when they are fully open.  It is like watching a subtle dance of Brut's life.

A while I'd rather have my Brut back then the roses, the roses represent Brut quite well.  I don't think hubby could have found a better match.

They are perfect.

    
(please forgive my lack of photography skills as there is a saturation of red that I don't know how to fix.)

All Dogs Go To Heaven

It is two weeks ago today that I let go of my beloved heart dog, canine soulmate to the other side.  His beautiful body may be gone but his heart and spirit live on inside and around me.  There will never be another boy like Brut and I will feel this for years to come. But one thing Brut was all about was love, no matter how he was he did everything out of love, if for no one else than me.  While I was teaching him to control his anger, he in turn did the same for me.  After 30 years of abuse I had some inner rage.  Some days I was walking dynamite and lashed out at my husband for what seemed no reason at all.  I didn't understand what I was feeling and didn't know what to do with so much anger.

That's where Brut came in. While at first I reacted in fear of his aggression once I started listening to him and responded instead, I began to grasp what I was dealing with internally.  Little by little we began to work out all the knots and kinks of our anger issues and when no one else understood, Brut did.  He just let my tiger come out until it was a purring kitten.  No judgement.  No expectations.  No questions.  No answers.  He just let me be me.  Where ever I was at in my journey and I did my best to do the same for him.  We were so alike in that way.

And now two weeks since we buried Brut, my anger at losing him has cropped up several times through the course of my loss.  Anger that he's gone. Anger that he left us so early in his life.  Anger at the cancer that ate at his body and I could not stop it.  Anger at how short life can be.

And as I sat in chair with this anger stirring around my head, a love song by the group YES, began to play through my head. I wanted to fuel the anger.  I was angry, but the song continued to play and I gave into it. I felt Brut's spirit right there in the song, teaching me another life lessons of turning my anger into something positive.  Love.

The song is Love Will Find A Way.  How fitting, right?  :)