This is one of those times when I really need the dog blogging community. I'm a bit scattered, so bear with me. Brut went after Silver. Silver's shaken up, but is OK. I on the other hand am a jumble of emotions. I can't be perfect when it comes to Brut, but the dogs pay for it when I'm not. I can think about three ways I screwed up, not thinking anything about it at the time, when those tiny muscle movements and nuances tell me Brut is going to attack and then I am too late.
And then we reacted, instead of responded.
In that moment, I'm hurt, scared, and angry. I want to scream at Brut. I want to beat the aggression out of him. Instead, I am stern with my words and ignore him, until he comes to me for forgiveness. He lowers his head with remorseful eyes and I stroke his face and we say we are sorry to each other. Our trust in each other a little broken. He isn't one to forget very easy and neither am I, but we always forgive.
We've had so few incidences that I've gotten kind of lazy on my perception. I wonder if it was easier when the fights were happening all the time. Like forgetting how to ride a bike.
And it hurts, like a punch in the gut. What happen? How were we there and now we are here? How did I see the signals and still stood hoping you might do something different this time? Instead of really seeing your cry for help while I did nothing? And let that ugly side exploit itself? Why did I just stand there? How could I forget everything you taught me about yourself?
And I'm disappointed. In you. In myself. Your puppyhood. Life. Instinct. Protection.
And I think about when you are gone and there will be a sense of relief. And I think you know that too.
And I am sad that it is like that. All of it. Sad for so many reasons.
But I still love you. You are and will always be my heart dog. Because we understand each other.
Our unique experience and journey of the unconditional love of our two packs of dogs. A healing love that binds us all together and makes them more than just dogs. They are family.
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Brut Quote
5 comments:
Oh man. I feel for you. I feel for the dogs. It is so hard to understand what is going on behind their soulful eyes. I wish I could help. I send you prayers and hugs, my friend. Hoping things get better...
We too wish we could help but we have no experience and therefore are of no use. We also feel for you and send encouragement and hugs. Hope someone has some advice. Have a wonderful Wednesday.
Best wishes Molly
Oh, I am so sorry. I don't know what to say, but I do understand. I have been there, but the "attacks" I endured were on me.
Most importantly, though, is to forgive yourself.
The most intense love is that which burns through the broken parts, the angry parts, the out of control parts. You know they are there and you pledge your devotion anyway. And born out of that blind simple belief in the soul comes trust. But the most basic is belief in Brut and he in you. And because you know the dark parts and know the energy you expend to burn through them you also understand that there will be relief of a sort at the end but that is not now. This was not your fault, don't take on what is not yours to carry. Be sure the hurts and pains are attended to, balm Silver's stress and let each dog know in the way that speaks their unique language that you believe and trust and love them. hey know your heart and the safety of your care.
It is so hard to read the cues that our dogs give us twenty four hours a day. Even as I have read a great deal about dog behavior and reading cues, it's just not possible to be so hyper-vigilant all the time. I feel for you and I'm so sorry this happened.
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