Confessions

 The Two Packs

When we developed into two packs, I felt rushed to immediately integrate.  When I found that wasn't going to happen I struggled with many inner demons for all the things I had done wrong and the reasons why the dogs could not combine.  If I wasn't being judged by others, I was doing it to myself.  I took on the impression that not having the dogs living as one happy pack was just wrong.  I have hung my head in shame many a time when asked if the dogs were together yet and almost three years later they are not.  I was a failure to myself and my dogs and few understood.

So now what?

Hire a trainer, fix the problem.  Seems easy enough.  Until you take in account our resources for help were very limited.  A bad experience with the only behaviorist for miles and a trainer on the phone who automatically claimed our situation hopeless and deemed getting rid of one or more dogs was our only solution.
These were our "options."

So we did the best we could, with what we knew, with the circumstances we were given.

Countless times I have beaten myself over because we had two packs of dogs and not being able to change the past.  For those first few years, I was in a panic about fixing what I thought was a problem and wanted to change everything that was wrong with it.  We "had" to.  As if it were part of some unbreakable law.  There was a must, an urgency that the dogs needed to come together, or else.  There was an internal pressure of  pushing an imaginary deadline over my head, as I tried to force things in my mind to come up with a solution that I could never find.  All the while managing the best I could while my husband worked to feed our two packs and so we could have a place to sleep.

About six months ago, I noticed a settling down of the dogs.  After all of the uproar of changes that occurred over such a short period of time, things had finally plateaued and begun to even out.  As this shift took place, I found myself breathing again.  We had made it through the worst of all the changes and problems and I suddenly found myself comfortable with our home and the living arrangements of the dogs.  I found for the first time, that I was OK with having two packs and felt secure in our reasons for it.  I was content with the progress that was happening within each of the packs and was enjoying it.  Most importantly, I found I was happy with our arrangement and that I loved the diversity and uniqueness of it. The dogs were really beginning to thrive and I realized that having two packs of dogs was a pretty cool set up.

While I still find myself with twinges of jealousy at other homes that have multiple dogs that get along and have never had to consider or would consider separating as an option, when I come home and look in my dogs eyes, I know we made the right decision. I have no desire to make any drastic changes or moves in uniting them, another decision I am finding myself quite comfortable with.  It has brought a peace of mind and the ability to relax and quit forcing something to happen that isn't necessary for the well being of our dogs.  No one is hurting due to being separated, there is no suffering on anyone's part because they are not all together, and if anything there is less suffering because they are not together.  All of their needs are met.  And I can live with that.  It is more than OK because I would rather have our home be set up under these conditions than get rid of some or all of the dogs.  It is more important than the fact that our household doesn't fit what is considered to be standard and normal.  For so long I thought having two packs was a horrible, unjustifiable problem that needed to be rendered or our household would never survive and because of this I have suffered these years of guilt for feeling like less of a dog owner who should loose her dog owning privileges. If it wasn't for the dogs themselves, I would have never made it through in following our beliefs and what was best for them.  It has been a painful road, but a rewarding one as we had to break our own ground in order to follow our hearts and trust in the will of the dogs.

And if I had it all over to do again?  I would make the same choices but with a clear conscious.

So we may never fit in at the kennel club, we found our solution for our six dogs and have found a way to have a happy and healthy home.  Every choice we made has been based on their well being and out of love for them.  What I thought was so awful and shameful, has turned out to be a gift that I appreciate and enjoy.  By letting go of all of the things I thought "should" be, I have been given a chance to revel and marvel in the life of having two packs of dogs, guilt free, and that my friends is a wonderful blessing I treasure.